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Showing posts from February, 2015

Friends & Lovers

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A few years ago, I took a friend as a lover. He wasn't a close friend, really more of an acquaintance, but the nature of our relationship certainly did shift. Sometimes there was far less clothing involved in our relating than before, and sometimes we did nauseatingly adorable things like sunny Sunday brunch followed by lazy neighborhood stroll hand holding and farmer's market perusing. In essence, though, we were still friends. I despise the term "friends with benefits" because it implies that being my friend is not already a benefit. Bitch, please! Do you have any idea how strong my friendship game is? Consider yourself massively blessed if I choose to bring you into the fold of my friend cult. Even if we go years without talking, I'll still be your ride-or-die hommie for life unless you do something really crazy. But I digress...

My friend and I were friends but we were also lovers, and that worked well for us. He's a wonderful human being but I knew he w…

Denial and Permission.

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Four Lents ago, fours-years-ago Kirsten wrote a blog about using Lent as a time to do something to thoughtfully and significantly impact your health and well being. As we enter Lent this year, the 40* days leading up to Easter, I am echoing that call, with some new suggestions. First, let's talk about self-denial...

Catholics, the Lent proponents who governed my spiritual childhood, love the word "no." They love to deny themselves pleasure of all kinds, so the default Lenten sacrifice tends to be giving up something you like for the season. This can be a very good thing, but only if the thing you're giving up is a real sacrifice for you, and giving it up will challenge you to grow and improve your quality of life. Here are some examples:

-Say you spend a large portion of your income on alcohol. Not only are you drinking a lot, but you're also funneling your money away from things like fun vacations and healthy groceries. A worthwhile Lenten sacrifice would be to …

Oh, No! Absolutely not...or, Radical Consent.

This guy tried to take my pants off tonight....repeatedly.

Everything was fine and consensual until he yanked at the waistband of my "everything must be soft because I'm in my 30s" stretchy pants and I yanked back up, and he yanked again and I had to say, "Hey, I need to slow it down." This was respected for awhile until it wasn't and I found myself repeating the request from before which he didn't believe or hear correctly because it happened a third time and then I left. But! Not before explaining that although I do like him, I am serious when I say I need to move slowly. I am not DTF, so knock it the fuck off.

The thing was, before he got pushy there was a point where I did waffle a bit. I went into the evening with no intention of sleeping with him, but he's cute and smart and smells good, and has a firm, present quality of touch that left me feeling safe and cherished while we cuddled and watched "Exit Through the Gift Shop." I was tu…

Decriminalizing Desire

What is it you desire?

Tacos smothered in guacamole? (You see where my mind automatically goes?) A really good lay? A beautiful home? A fulfilling job? A relaxing trip to someplace warm and quiet? Approval? A manipedi?

Stop right now. Go make a list of everything you can think of from the micro (a pair of soft socks) to the macro (a private jet), from the logical (more money) to the fantastical (the ability to teleport). Anything that turns you on, lights your fire and resonates deeply belongs on your list. Write it all out. I'll wait.

This exercise was offered over the past weekend at the deliciously indulgent conference of the pussy cult that is Mama Gena's Womanly Arts Experience. For two days we were encouraged to vigilantly check in with our desires moment to moment and only do what would bring us authentic pleasure. This meant not only becoming acutely aware of what it is that you desire, but also getting comfortable making those desires known by taking the vulnerable le…